Zhian'tara
by Ginomo
Summary: Ezri completes her Zhian'tara, a ritual that allows joined Trill to meet and interact with their previous hosts.
1. Chapter 1

**Zhian'tara**

Ezri completes her Zhian'tara, a ritual that allows joined Trill to meet and interact with their previous hosts. Based on the DS9 episode "Facets" and set about 6 months after the series finale.

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

"You sure you don't want me to come with you?"

"I'm sure. I feel like I need to do this on my own, you know?"

"Well, you can't do it _completely_ on your own. I'm actually looking forward to reprising the role of Torias Dax."

Ezri smiled at her breakfast companion, "I'm sure your repeat performance will be even more amazing than the first one."

" _Doctor Bashir, you are needed in the infirmary immediately_."

The doctor tapped his comm badge, "On my way," Julian stood from his seat, came to her side of the table and placed a gentle kiss on the tip of her nose, "I will see you when it's my turn, then," he said with a smile.

"Yes, I'll see you then."

* * *

Counselor Ezri Dax stood nervously at the airlock awaiting the docking of the transport vessel from Trill. She thought back through her previous zhian'taras and, for the ones she could remember at least, Dax had been a nervous wreck each time. Well, Curzon wasn't of course. He couldn't wait to impress his previous hosts with his inherent awesomeness. Dax laughed to herself- all her _sane_ hosts had the decency to be nervous.

The airlock gear rolled away and travelers began to file off the ship. About halfway through the crowd she spotted the man she'd been communicating with over subspace. He was the same Guardian that had done this ceremony for Jadzia just five years ago.

"Lieutenant Dax, it is good to finally meet you. Again." he said with an amused smile.

She smiled in return, "Yes it is."

"May I present to you Tellaria Ru and Mathan Alore," the young man and woman traveling with the Guardian nodded respectfully, "They will be assisting us in the zhian'tara as you requested."

"Thank you both for being here. When you're the 9th host of a symbiont, it's sometimes hard to find enough willing friends to help out with this."

"We're more than happy to assist," the young man, Mathan, replied.

"Yes, I'm actually kind of excited about it," Tellaria added. We're both initiates and this is an amazing way to get a small taste of what it will be like to be a host."

" _If_ we're chosen," Mathan added.

"Yes, of course."

"Well, if you're ready, I can show you to your quarters," Ezri said.

"That would be wonderful," the Guardian replied, "Thank you."

The group headed toward the guest quarters section of the habitat ring. Mathan and Tellaria chatted on endlessly about their trip on the transport ship and the station itself. Ezri was quiet. A little too quiet, the Guardian thought to himself. Then again, he'd done this more times than he could count and nervous hosts were pretty standard.

They first stopped at the initiates' rooms, both of them raving about how exciting this all was. The last stop was for the Guardian.

"You know Ezri, in the end this is always a good experience," he said.

"What makes you think I'd feel any other way?"

He smiled, "The look on your face is that of someone about to be lead off to prison."

Ezri sighed, "It's that obvious?"

"Don't worry, everyone is nervous. You should have seen Jadzia."

"Did you request to do my zhian'tara because you did hers?" she asked.

"The Symbiosis Commission felt as if my experience in dealing with the Dax symbiont would be valuable, especially since Jadzia's did not go… smoothly."

Dax remembered now, "Curzon," she stated simply.

"Yes. So let's hope no one decides to go rogue this time," he said with a smile. But deep down he was a little worried.

Ezri laughed nervously, "Yes let's hope not."

"The two hosts that Mathan and Tellaria are embodying, they are your most recent hosts correct?"

"Yes, Curzon and Jadzia," she replied.

The Guardian nodded, "I will allow more time for them. The most recent ones are the most impactful to the current host, you already have multiple memories of zhian'taras with the rest. And it is your most recent hosts that shape your personality the most," he paused and then added, "They are also the ones that cause the most apprehension."

Ezri nodded, "On that we definitely agree."

He smiled as warmly as he could, trying his best to put her at ease, "I will let you and the others rest tonight. Tomorrow morning I will meet you at your quarters first thing to begin."

"Thank you. Have a good night."

* * *

Lela, Dax's first host, handled Ezri's entry into her zhian'tara like the pro that she was- this was after all her seventh time doing this with Dax's latest host. She was patient and gracious, her calming demeanor and witty anecdotes put Ezri at ease. Next was Tobin. Ezri quickly identified with him, she told him she thought she inherited quite a few of his traits- her tendency to be indecisive and to doubt herself to name a few. He quickly apologized for that.

Emony was amused to hear that Ezri enjoyed standing on her head as a way to relax and meditate. Audrid gave her some great advice on how to handle the strained relationship she had with her family. Torias seemed to be the host she was the least like, but it make her feel good to know that perhaps she could draw on some of his fearlessness every now and then, perhaps when her Tobin traits were taking over too much.

Ezri chose to forgo meeting Joran, a decision the Guardian was very pleased with. She'd had her own encounter of sorts with him already about a year ago and had no need to repeat that experience. That left Dax's last two hosts. She'd met the first five hosts over a two day period, but they were setting aside a full day each for her to interact with Curzon and Jadzia, maybe longer depending on how it went.

* * *

The next morning began like the previous two had. The Guardian showed up bright and early. He prepped the altar and began the memory transfer quickly. Once he established that the connection was made, he excused himself to allow Ezri private time with the host.

As the Guardian left her quarters that morning, Ezri nervously stood with her hands firmly placed behind her back (thanks to Lela.) Curzon didn't say anything to her at first. Instead he casually paced the room admiring the body he was in. He found a mirror on the wall and stood before it for a few minutes, preening. Ezri waited patiently.

Finally, he sat, "So no Changelling this time, eh?"

"No, not this time."

"That's probably for the best, I'd just get myself into trouble again. Though this body is pretty nice too… young and strong," Curzon said as he tapped his borrowed chest with his fist a few times, "Why does this place look like the station where we had Jadzia's zhin'tara?"

Ezri gulped nervously, "That's because it is. I took a posting on DS9 when I was given the Dax symbiont after Jadzia's death."

"So how long has it been? Jadzia's zhin'tara feels like it was just yesterday to me."

"That was about five years ago," Ezri replied.

"Five years?" Curzon's eyes widened in shock, "That's it? What the hell happened?"

Hearing this gruff and domineering voice come out of such a young man was a little unsettling, "The Federation was at war and Jadzia was killed about a year and a half ago," Ezri decided to spare him the details.

Curzon shook his head slowly; a cloud of grief shrouded his face, "Such a short life. Jadzia was amazing; as you know I had the distinct pleasure of knowing her before she was joined. I'd never met a woman like her and coming from me that's saying a lot. For her life to end so soon, for her time with Dax to have been so brief breaks my heart."

Slowly Ezri sat in the chair across from his, "I'm sorry."

"So then what the hell are you doing here in the same place she lived? That doesn't make any sense."

Curzon certainly didn't have any problem saying exactly what he felt. Ezri hadn't seemed to inherit those qualities from him, at least not yet. She was definitely more like Tobin or Lela than Curzon, "I thought coming back here would make my transition into being a Dax easier."

"Easier? Is that what they're teaching initiates these days, to do what's easy?"

"I was never an initiate," Ezri admitted sheepishly, "I was an officer on the ship transporting the Dax symbiont back to Trill. It was wartime and we were attacked. The symbiont was injured and had to be joined immediately or Dax would have died and I was the only Trill on board."

"So you have no training at _all_?" Curzon asked.

"They gave some guidance after it was all over. But formally, no."

Curzon leaned forward in his chair, "You're telling me that Jadzia, an initiate who went through the program _twice_ , has been followed up by someone who lucked into a symbiont? Why didn't they re-assign Dax once you got to Trill?"

Ezri was taken aback by what he was implying, "Because that would have killed me!"

"The life of the symbiont is far more valuable than that of the host. Every Trill knows that."

Now she was getting upset. "I volunteered to help, not be murdered. I'm Dax's host now and I'm doing a damn good job of it. I can't lie, it's been hard, but I'm doing it."

Curzon seemed to respond to her standing up to him and changed his tone a bit, "Tell me, what were those last few years like for Jadzia?"

Ezri softened as well, "She was very happy, she loved her life here on DS9. Her friends were here, her husband-"

"Her husband?"

"That's right," Ezri replied, "She hadn't met Worf yet when you had your zhian'tara. Jadzia married a fellow officer a little less than a year before she died."

"Worf sounds like a Klingon name."

"It is. At the time, he was the only Klingon serving in Starfleet."

Curzon smiled, "I bet she couldn't resist him."

Ezri returned the smile, "No, she couldn't."

"Wait a minute… Jadzia died while serving here on DS9? And she was married?"

"Yes."

"And you came to live on the station after her death?"

"That's right."

"What about her husband? Was he still here?"

"Yes, he was still here. He stayed about a year after her death before moving to the Klingon Homeworld."

Confrontational Curzon was back, "Why in the hell would you come live alongside her husband? Didn't they at least bother to tell you about reassociation?"

"Given my situation they've given me a little leeway when it came to that."

"Did you even think of what it must have been like for him to have you walking around here, reminding him of his dead wife every day," Curzon grunted, "And they say I'm self-centered!"

"I asked Worf and he said he was fine with me staying here," Ezri answered defensively.

"Just because he gave you permission to be a selfish child doesn't mean you should have done it."

"Look Curzon, I was thrown into this situation and I have done the best I could. I needed to be near familiar things or I thought I might lose my mind. I know that I am not The Great Jadzia. I'm reminded at every turn how amazing, how wonderful she was and how barely adequate I am."

"If you feel like you're living in her shadow," Curzon replied, "It's because you put yourself there."

Ezri was silent. She had no response because she knew Curzon was right.

"Go out and make a life of your own, that's what hosts are supposed to do. You gave yourself a year and a half to ease into all this. Now do what a host is meant to do- gain unique and enriching experiences for the symbiont. That's who it works. All you're doing now is reliving the life Jadzia already had."

"I think you might be right," Ezri whispered.

"I know I am!" Curzon exclaimed, "So is that it then?"

Ezri's eyes widened, "You mean for our time together? Don't you want to tell me more about yourself?"

"Not really," he said dismissively, "Everything you need to know about me you'll get once you have my memories again. I don't even know why they keep resurrecting us every time someone dies. Lela must really be sick of it. Besides, if I stay in this body too long I won't want to give it up."

"Oh," Ezri was clearly disappointed. She'd wanted to actually talk to him about herself and get advice from him beyond his fussing at her for not being Jadzia.

"There is one piece of advice I have for you," he began as he sat back in his chair, "Don't ever get married."

"What?"

"When I died, I was an old man. I saw it coming a kilometer away. I had time to prepare; I even got to choose who the next Dax would be. But you said Jadzia died suddenly, correct?"

"Yes, but what's that got to do with me getting married?"

"You'll see what I mean when you meet her next. My zhian'tara was Torias's first after his death. The last memory he had before sitting in that room with me was of his shuttle plunging towards the ground. When he awoke after the Guardian transferred his memories he was hysterical, I had to watch him cry for three hours. He begged me to take him to see his wife and I would have had I known where she was. I vowed then and there never to put myself through that. There's no such thing as being married for life when you're a joined Trill. Just married until it's time to move to the next body."

"That seems like a very narrow view of things."

"Alright, you're a big girl. But don't say I didn't warn you."

* * *

Ezri's Dax's steps were quick and deliberate. She was headed to the infirmary and was hoping Julian wasn't too busy to talk. She really needed to talk. It was a shame there was no counselor for the counselor on the station.

"Ezri! Done with Curzon so soon?"

"Yes," she said with a sigh.

Dr. Bashir could see she wasn't in a good mood, "How was it?"

"I don't even know. It wasn't what I expected at all. Are you busy?"

"Let's take a walk," he answered.

The two headed out of the infirmary for the promenade, "I take it he wasn't as charming as Torias?"

"Not even close. He damn near cried when I told him Jadzia was dead. Then he berated me for every choice I've made as a host."

"Jadzia had a hard time with him as well."

"He's manipulative, selfish and arrogant," Erzi sighed, "And worst of all he was right."

"Right?"

"I feel like I live in Jadzia's shadow and he reminded me that's only because I put myself here. I came back to her home, to her friends, to her job. And then I get annoyed that people compare us and expect me to be like her. Of course they do!"

"What does he know?" Julian said dismissively.

"Everything! He was an initiate supervisor and member of the symbiosis commission for years. He trained dozens of hosts. He knows what this is supposed to be like. And what I've done isn't right."

"You didn't have the benefit of training like Jadzia did. Maybe picking up where she left off was for the best."

"That's what I told him. That's what I've been telling myself…"

They paused by one of the big oval windows on the upper level of the promenade and looked out into space together, "But you don't believe it anymore, do you?" Julian asked quietly.

"I don't know. I mean, am I living my life, or hers?"

"There's someone that can help you answer that, you know."

She sighed again, "I know. And I'm terrified to meet her."

"Jadzia won't be like Curzon," Julian paused, "At least, I _think_ she won't be."

Ezri smirked and looped her arm in his, "Gee, thanks."

Julian looked down at her soberly, "If you are indeed living Jadzia's life, then what does that mean for us?"

Ezri kept her eyes fixed on the stars out the window, "I think I'm going to have to ask her."

* * *

Ezri had barely been able to sleep, so when her door chimed earlier than she expected that morning she was relieved. She was ready to get on with it, to face the woman she'd been trying to live up to for the past year and a half.

"Enter."

Tellaria Ru entered Ezri's quarters, a bright smile on her face, "I hope I'm not too early. I couldn't sleep."

Ezri smiled sincerely, "Me neither."

"Then you're excited too, huh?"

"More nervous than excited. Can I get you anything? Raktajino perhaps?"

"No thank you."

Ezri ordered two raktajinos from her replicator. She placed one on the table in front of Tellaria and took a sip from the other.

"Oh, I didn't want one."

"It's not for you, it's for Jadzia. She hates getting up early and will most definitely want one. I never drank them until I was joined."

"I see. I never cared for it either but we will see if that changes in a few minutes," Tellaria replied, "Between you and me, this will probably be the closest I get to being a host. So I'm excited to have even this small taste of it."

Ezri took another sip, "Why do you say that?"

Tellaria shook her head, "I haven't been doing very well. The competition is so fierce, even the smallest mistake can get you washed out. I have wanted to be joined all my life, I've done everything I could to position myself for selection. I was the first person in my family to even be accepted into the program. But I have a feeling after this, I'll be getting my dismissal letter."

Ezri suddenly felt embarrassed. She had a symbiont she never wanted, and this young lady worked all her life for a symbiont she'd never get, "Then hopefully this experience will be a memorable one for you."

"I hope so too."

The door chime rang again, this time it was the Guardian. Ezri granted him entrance and he began working quickly and quietly. He filled the cauldron with liquid from the symbiont pools and solemnly said a few words in Trill as he lit the candle at the center of it. He watched the flame grow before quietly saying, "It's time."

The two women walked over to him, Tellaria on his right and Erzi on his left, "Now, I must caution you, the first zhin'tara for a host can sometimes be disconcerting. All the memories the Dax symbiont made while joined to Jadzia will be transferred to you, Tellaria. Jadzia may be very confused or distressed at first. You are ultimately in control and should be able to reassert yourself over Jadzia's personality if it gets to be too intense."

" _Should_ be able to?" Tellaria asked.

"There have been instances of strong host presences that have completely dominated the temporary host. That is very rare, though."

She nodded

"Let's begin."

The Guardian began chanting ancient Trill words that Ezri was now hearing for the seventh time. Ezri felt a knot in the pit of her stomach, her nerves we so bad right now she thought she might be sick. She tried to focus herself by breathing slowly and deeply.

Tellaria's neck went limp and her shoulders slumped. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, she lifted her head. Her eyes blinked rapidly and the look on her face was panicked. She looked around the room frantically- she was clearly on DS9 but something wasn't right. She looked down at her hands. These were not her hands. She touched her hair and ran her hands over her body.

"No, no, no, no…" she whispered.

"Jadzia?" The Guardian asked gently.

She looked at him, and then at the liquid filled altar before them, "I know you. You're a guardian; you presided over my zhian'tara…"

"I did," he replied.

She looked beyond the Guardian to the woman standing on the other side of him, "Then who are you?" she asked.

Ezri gulped, "My name is Ezri. Ezri Dax."

* * *

 _ **What do you think Jadzia's reaction will be? Please review!**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Zhian'tara**

 **By: Ginomo**

Ezri completes the Zhian'tara, a ritual that allows joined Trill to meet and interact with their previous hosts.

* * *

 **Chapter 2**

"Ezri Dax?"

Ezri nodded, "Yes that's right," she replied quietly.

Jadzia touched her belly, She couldn't remember any of them. She knew there were others, there should be others, but they weren't there. She could feel that Dax was gone and she felt singular, like she did before she was joined.

The guardian spoke up, "Jadzia, Ezri is Dax's host now. This is her zhian'tara," he said gently, "What is the last thing you remember?"

"I turned around and Dukat was there. I don't know why he was there but he was. He did something… he shot me? His eyes were blazing. I…" her voice trailed off.

"I can't remember any of that anymore," Ezri said.

The guardian nodded, "Then the transfer is complete. If you two are alright, I will leave you now."

Jadzia was silent so Ezri spoke for them both, "Yes, we will be fine."

Ezri sat on the couch, "I've got a raktajino for you…" she began nervously.

"I could use something a lot stronger than that right now," Jadzia said as she paced the room anxiously.

"I know this must be very unsettling..."

"Unsettling? I feel like I just woke up dead," Jadzia quipped.

"You probably have a lot of questions too."

"Yes…" Jadzia looked around the room again, and just then out of the window she saw the wormhole burst open, "For starters, why are we on DS9?"

Ezri let out a slow breath, "I live here. I'm the station's counselor."

Jadzia frowned, "What?"

Ezri already felt like this wasn't going well, "There is so much to tell you, I hardly know where to begin..."

"I think I'll take that coffee," Tellaria-turned-Jadzia crossed the room and reached for the cup that sat on the table. She was standing before her and Ezri immediately noticed that the way she carried her body, the way she moved, had changed. There was an air of poise and control that hadn't been there when Tellaria nervously entered her quarters just a short time age. She took a few long gulps and sighed, "How long has it been?" Jadzia asked, though she seemed to be talking more to the raktajino than to Ezri.

"About a year and a half."

"And you have been here on the station this whole time?"

"Not the whole time. I took the assignment here a few months after being joined."

Jadzia gripped the mug tightly in her hands, or whoever these hands belonged to. During her lifetime, she took great care to always stay in control of herself and her surroundings. When Jadzia Dax walked into a room, she owned it. Yet right now she felt confused, scared, and angry coupled with a sorrow that she could not have imagined. She was willing herself to hold it together, it was her duty as a Dax host to get through this with some semblance of composure.

"Tell me about yourself," Jadzia asked, even managing to give the young woman seated before her a small smile.

"Well, there isn't much to tell really, " The truth was, Ezri was sick of rehashing her story. This would make the seventh telling.

"You are in Starfleet obviously. That's not common for joined Trill."

"No, I suppose it isn't."

Jadzia could see that Ezri was nervous so she obliged her by sitting next to her on the couch, "How did you end up on the station? Starfleet should have been sensitive to this unique situation and not forced you to serve here."

"Well," Ezri told herself she needed to just get it over with, "It was my choice to stay here. Captain Sisko offered me a position and at first I wasn't going to take it but after talking to-" Ezri froze. She couldn't bring herself to say his name just yet, "After talking it over I decided to stay."

"And the symbiosis commision allowed it?"

"My joining wasn't exactly planned," Ezri recounted the story she told Curzon, how her ship was attacked and that she had to be joined to save Dax's life.

"So you had no initiate training?" Jadzia asked.

"No. I know you probably think-"

Jadzia laughed out loud, "Given all the hell they put me through, the fact that the next Dax host had zero training is poetic justice."

It was a relief to see how different Jadzia reacted compared to Curzon, "Curzon didn't feel the same way."

"Curzon can be an ass," Jadzia replied, taking another sip of coffee, "Given your situation, I can imagine coming back here made the transition into being a host a little easier."

"It did. Being in a familiar place, seeing familiar people, it kept me from losing my mind," Ezri smiled, "I'm _so_ glad you understand."

"So since I'm the last stop on this zhin'tara, I'm curious to know what you thought of the other hosts."

"Curzon _was_ an ass," Ezri said with a laugh, "But I was expecting it. I think I enjoyed my time with Lela and Tobin the most," she paused, "Present company excluded of course."

Jadzia smiled, "Of course. Now, you've got to tell me about everything that's happened since you've been here on DS9. How is everyone?"

Ezri went down the list of all the major events in the past 18 months, the events that led to the end of the Dominion war and the fate of all their friends. She told her how once the war ended, several members of the crew she knew chose to leave DS9. Odo went to live with his people in the Gamma Quadrant and the O'Briens moved to Earth. Rom and Leeta were gone, but Quark and Nog were still here. And then there was everything going on with the Sisko family; Ben and Kassidy's marriage, the baby, and him joining the Prophets.

"Benjamin the Prophet. Why does that not surprise me?" Jadzia said, shaking her head in disbelief.

"Julian is still here," Ezri tried not to blush as she said his name but she couldn't help it.

Jadzia picked up on it immediately, "Still as handsome and charming as he always was, I bet."

Sheepishly, she lowered her eyes, "Yes, yes he is."

Jadzia wasn't quite sure what to make of Ezri. She seemed nice enough, but definitely had no idea what she was doing with a symbiont like Dax. Jadzia didn't know if she should be flattered or annoyed that Ezri had essentially picked up her life where she left off.

Ezri finally decided to broach the topic they'd both been avoiding, "Would you like me to tell you about Worf?" she asked gingerly.

Jadzia sat her mug down and Ezri could see her hands tremble slightly. She really had hoped to find a way not to talk about her husband to Ezri, she'd never be able to keep holding it together if she did. But there was no avoiding the subject now

"He must have left the station soon after my…" Jadzia let her voice trail off, it wasn't easy to speak about one's own death.

"No, actually, he stayed."

Jadzia felt the heart in her borrowed chest drop to the floor, "He… stayed?" She gulped, "Is he here now?"

"No, no," Ezri shook her head quickly, "No, he's not here anymore. He left at the end of the war."

"Wait…" Jadzia narrowed her eyes, "That means you chose to stay here on DS9 even though Worf was still here?"

"Well, yes, I..." Ezri stammered, "It's like you said, being here made the transition easier."

Jadzia could feel herself getting upset, but blowing up at this woman would do her no good right now, "Where is he now?" she asked calmly.

"He's on the Klingon Homeworld serving as Federation Ambassador alongside the Chancellor."

"Gowron?"

"No, Martok. Worf killed Gowron and named Martok the next Chancellor."

That made Jadzia smile, "I would have loved to have been with him for that."

Ezri could definitely feel the energy shift between them and she was hoping to get things back on track, "Would you like to take a walk around the station? I can think of a few people who'd love to get the chance to talk to you again."

Jadzia stood, "Yes, that would be perfect."

"Great. We can start-"

"No," Jadzia put her hand up, "I think I'd rather have some time to myself if you don't mind. I can most certainly find my way around, it feels like just yesterday that I was here."

"Oh, um, okay."

"You and I can finish up later tonight."

Ezri nodded, she felt like her mother was telling her what to do, "Yes, tonight."

* * *

"Julian."

The voice wasn't familiar, but something about the way it was said- the cadence, the timbre. Or maybe it was the playful lilt in the way his name rolled off her tongue. Either way, there was no mistaking that it was her.

Dr. Bashir returned the warm smile she was giving him, "Jadzia."

"I didn't think you'd recognize me in my new skin."

He couldn't stop smiling, "There's something about you that's unmistakable."

"I had to come see you," she said.

"I'm glad you did," Julian turned to one of his nurses, "We'll be in my office if anything comes up."

"Yes, Doctor."

Julian led her to the small space at the rear of the infirmary. Jadzia sat, but he remained standing, casually leaning against the console, "So… this is weird."

That made her laugh, "It is, isn't it?"

"Even though you look nothing like you did when I last saw you, it is still wonderful to see you."

"You too, Julian. How have you been?"

"Me? I'm great! Same old Dr. Bashir, not much has changed for me," he said with his trademark boyish grin, "I think Quark and I are the only ones still going about business as usual around here. How much has Ezri filled you in on?"

"Most of it, I'm guessing. Most of the people I knew have moved on it seems."

"Yes. But that's life, things change. Though I'm sure I don't need to tell a joined Trill that."

"No, you certainly don't."

There was an awkward silence between them. Dr. Bashir felt like she wanted to say something but was trying to find the words, or perhaps the courage.

"What is it, Jadzia?" he asked.

She looked down at her hands and was momentarily startled that they were not her hands. After a moment, Jadzia looked up at Julian, "I need you to tell me about Worf."

"Worf? Me? Wouldn't Ezri be a better person to talk to?"

Jadzia shook her head, "I can't talk to her about him. Please, I just… I just need to know what happened. What was it like for Worf when I died?"

Julian rubbed his hands over his face and sighed, "Jadzia, don't do this to yourself, please. After all, this is supposed to be for Ezri, remember? Not to torture yourself with things you can't change."

"What happened?" she insisted.

After a long pause, Julian finally replied, "Alright. I'm only telling you all this because I don't think Ezri even knows and when you two are rejoined it will help her," Another sigh, "We found you on the floor of the Bajoran Temple after security registered an unusual energy discharge. You were unconscious. When we brought you here, I was certain you'd be fine. But as I operated on you, I began to realize that I would have to make a choice," he paused again, "Do you remember when I gave you your staff physical when you were first assigned to DS9?"

"Vaguely."

"You hadn't been joined for very long. I remember you sitting on the bio bed and saying to me that if ever the time came, not to try any Starfleet medical heroics. If I had to choose between removing Dax or doing something risky that might save Jadzia, I should take the safe route. That the symbiont was far more important that the host."

She smirked, "It's the kind of thing we're taught at the commission."

"I remembered those words in the operating room. I had a bunch of crazy things that I could try, but it could have resulted in both your deaths. Or I could save Dax."

"You did the right thing," she whispered.

"So I removed the symbiont and placed it in stasis," he continued, "Then I sent a message to the Defiant and they were back in record time. I remember Worf running in here, the look on his face was unlike anything I had ever seen. I could not bear to say the words to him, but he knew. Nurse Jabara had to take him into the operating room because I couldn't do it. A few minutes later, the others walked in and Captain Sisko went into the room where you and Worf were. Then we all heard Worf's deafening howl," a single tear fell down his cheek, which Julian quickly swiped away, "And that was it. Worf walked out of here like a shell of a person. He said nothing. No tears, no anger. The silence was scarier than if he'd torn the place to shreds, which is honestly what I was expecting."

Jadzia closed her eyes, trying to imagine the pain her husband, a man who prided himself in strength, must have been feeling.

"Your memorial service was a few days later. Worf did not attend. He basically disappeared into his quarters and none of us were sure when, or even _if_ , he'd come out. General Martok came as a representative of the House and spoke eloquently about you on his behalf. Your remains were returned to Trill, that was about the only thing Worf expressed to us and even then that message was delivered through Alexander. And then on top of that, Captain Sisko left for Earth. It was all just too much. I began to seriously consider relieving Worf of his duties temporarily- even Klingons can lose their minds, you know? But Kira asked me not to, with you gone and the Captain gone we really couldn't afford to lose him too."

"My god," Jadzia whispered.

"Now you see why I was hesitant to tell you all this? It was a horrible time."

"But he got through it? You all got through it, right? And Benjamin came back."

Julian nodded, "Yes. It took some time- and some busted holosuites- but it got better. Captain Sisko returning really made things feel like they were back to normal. And he brought Ezri with him."

"So just as Worf was starting to heal, _she_ showed up?"

"With her being a counselor and him in command, they barely interacted," Dr. Bashir tried to defend a decision Jadzia clearly did not approve of.

"I cannot imagine what that must have been like for him…"

"I have to admit, their relationship was rocky at first," he smirked, "Until it wasn't."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Julian caught himself, "Oh, nothing, nothing at all. Just that when he eventually left for Qo'noS, they parted as good friends."

Jadzia narrowed her eyes, "There's something you're not telling me…"

He put his hands up innocently, "It's not my place to tell you all Ezri's business. If you want to know how she and Worf got along, you'll have to talk to her. She's the person you're supposed to be talking to anyway. She's been so nervous to meet you, so worried she wouldn't live up to your standards. I've got a feeling she was right."

"You two are seeing each other, aren't you?" Jadzia asked bluntly.

Dr. Bashir was taken aback by the accusatory tone her voice took, "Yes, but…"

"She's not a Jadzia consolation prize, even if she doesn't realize it."

"I never-"

Jadzia stood, "Meeting her gave you a second chance at having the relationship with me you never got to have. I get it. It's natural that your feelings for me would have transferred to her."

Julian suddenly felt embarrassed. He wanted to defend himself, but deep down he was worried that she was right, "There was a certain familiarity that I found appealing. But the two of you are very different-"

"No kidding."

"- and ultimately it is Ezri who fell for. You're right, she is _not_ a consolation prize."

Jadzia placed a hand on Julian's shoulder, her tone softening, "Then I hope you two are happy together. I really do. She's clearly got good taste."

Dr. Bashir couldn't tell if she was being sincere or sarcastic. He decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and to believe it was sincere, "Thank you."

"I think I'm going to make a few more stops before finding Ezri again."

He nodded, "Good bye, Jadzia."

She gave him a kiss on the cheek, the kind that used to drive him mad with want for her, "Thank you for speaking with me Julian."

As she left, Julian just shook his head, "Just when I think things around here can't get any stranger."

* * *

Jadzia left the infirmary feeling more disconcerted than when she came. She meant what she said, for whatever reason she couldn't bring herself to talk to Ezri about Worf. Ezri was expecting her to bestow upon her some great Trill wisdom, but all Jadzia could do was think about her husband.

Maybe visiting Quark next would help. He'd lighten her mood, maybe they could play a game of tongo for old times sake. She sure as hell could use a drink right now. Jadzia headed from the infirmary towards the bar but stopped in her tracks as she passed the Bajoran temple. It looked the same. For some odd reason she'd expected something different. This was where it all ended. They had so much promise, so much to look forward to together. They had their whole lives ahead of them. Why in the world did she go into a damned Bajoran Temple of the Prophets? She never even believed in the Prophets. If she'd just kept walking that day, they'd still be together. Maybe they'd even have that child she was praying for.

Jadzia reached up and wiped the tears away that were streaming down her face. She couldn't go to Quark's. There was only one place she wanted to be.

* * *

Ezri didn't really like blood wine. It was bitter and it burned going down. Worf once told her that's why it was so good. She then reminded him that his drink of choice was prune juice. This evening, the burn was exactly what she needed. Maybe she'd find the courage she needed at the bottom of this glass to face Jadzia again.

"Drinking bloodwine alone?"

Ezri looked up as Dr. Bashir straddled the stool next to her, "This whole thing is supposed to help me," she took another drink, "I should have stopped after Torias."

"You know, Jadzia came and spoke to me this afternoon."

"Really? She hardly said anything to me. Same as Curzon. It's as if I'm too insignificant to even be bothered with. How can I have any self respect after this knowing that two parts of who I am think I'm an idiot."

Julian slyly pushed the cup away from her reach, "No one thinks you're an idiot. What did she say?"

"Not much. I updated her on everyone, the war, and everything else that's happened around here. At first I actually thought it was going well, that maybe I could really talk to her about some things. Oddly, the one thing I thought she'd want to talk about she hardly did at all."

"What was that?" he asked.

"Worf. We spoke for almost an hour and she never mentioned his name. Finally I brought him up and that's when it changed. She got very pensive, then she got up and left."

"Funny, that's all she wanted to talk about when she came to see me."

Ezri's eyes widened, "Really?" she repeated.

He nodded, "She wanted all the details of her death and the aftermath. You weren't here on DS9 to witness any of that."

Ezri sighed, "Maybe that was it. She just needed to know some things I couldn't tell her."

Julian decided to leave it at that. Everything he and Jadzia talked about would become memories for Ezri soon enough. "So where is she now?" he asked.

"I don't know. I'm guessing she went to visit friends. How long ago was she with you?"

"It's been a few hours," Julian said, "Hey Quark!"

The Ferengii bartender walked over to them, "You want one of those too Doctor?" Quark asked, motioning to the blood wine.

"Oh no way. This might seem like an odd question, but have you seen Jadzia today?"

"I've seen enough around here not to think anything is odd anymore," Quark turned to Ezri, "You're doing that Trill thing where the hosts take over other people's' bodies?"

"Yes. You didn't want to help out, remember?" Ezri said.

"Once was enough, thank you. And no, I haven't seen her. Was she supposed to come here?"

Ezri tapped her comm badge, "Computer, locate Tellaria Rue."

" _Guest quarters, habitat ring level 2, room 374._ "

"She must have gone back to her room," Bashir said, "This has probably all been very overwhelming."

Ezri nodded, "That's got to be it. I'm going to go find her."

* * *

Ezri's head was a little light as she made her way through the habitat ring. She laughed at herself, she hadn't even finished one glass of blood wine. She was still coherent enough to navigate the guest quarters and came to Tellaria's after only one wrong turn. Ezri pressed the door chime. No answer. She pressed it again. Still nothing.

"Computer, locate Tellaria Rue."

" _Guest quarters, habitat ring level 2, room 374,_ " The computer repeated.

"So she's not making this easy," Ezri said to herself, "Alright then, Computer override locking mechanism. Authorization Dax 974 Alpha 3."

The door slid open and revealed the small room. There wasn't much to it, so it surprised her when she entered and it was empty. Ezri looked around and then, frustrated, asked the computer again.

"Computer, locate Tellaria Rue."

" _Guest quarters, habitat ring level 2, room 374._ "

"Okay, new question. Where am _I_?"

" _Guest quarters, habitat ring, level 2, room 374._ "

"Ugh, stop saying that!" she stamped her foot. This didn't make any sense. Where the heck was she?

* * *

"What do you mean you can't find her?"

Ezri Dax stood in Colonel Kira's office along with Dr. Bashir and Commander Davies, the station's Starfleet first office and Commander of the Defiant, "She's not in her quarters. I've run scans of the station and it keeps saying she is, but she physically is not there."

"Then there's got to be some type of malfunction," Davies replied.

Ezri shook her head, "I don't think so," she sighed, "I'm worried that she's left the station."

"Left the station? There isn't another transport ship due to leave until later tonight," Kira said.

"And that still wouldn't explain why the computer thinks she's here."

"Commander, have any runabouts left the station in the last few hours?" Dr. Bashir asked.

"No, none," Davies replied.

"Are you certain?"

"Computer," Davies said into the air, "When was the last runabout launched from DS9?"

" _The runabout Rubicon departed yesterday at 0500 hours_."

"You're asking the same computer that thinks she's in her quarters?" Bashir replied skeptically.

Davies folded his arms in frustration, "What are you saying, that she reprogrammed the computer and stole a runabout? A Trill civilian could never pull that off."

"She's not a just Trill civilian," Kira replied, "She's the former science officer of this station. She knows these systems better than anyone."

Davies was not buying it, "Computer, are any of the runabouts currently away from the station?"

" _Negative. All 7 runabouts are accounted for_."

Kira and Davies exchanged worried glances, "There are supposed to be 8 runabouts," Kira tapped a few buttons on her display, "The Mississippi isn't listed. Computer, what is the location of the runabout Mississippi?"

" _That runabout is not assigned to Deep Space Nine_."

"Is it supposed to be?" Ezri asked them.

"Yes," now Davies was looking at the display with a furrowed brow, "But there is no record of it ever even being here."

"Looks like she reprogrammed the computer and stole and runabout," Julian said.

"She hasn't been seen for hours, she could be anywhere at this point," Davies replied, "Colonel, permission to take the Defiant to search-"

"There's no need," Ezri interjected, "I know exactly where she's going."


	3. Chapter 3

**Zhian'tara**

 **By: Ginomo**

Ezri completes the Zhian'tara, a ritual that allows joined Trill to meet and interact with their previous hosts.

* * *

 **Chapter 3**

"We're all ears, Counselor," Davies said, clearly exasperated by this whole situation.

"She's gone to the Klingon Homeworld, I'm certain of it," Ezri turned to Colonel Kira, "Please, don't send the Defiant. Let me handle this. I'll contact Worf and-"

"Starfleet cannot just allow one of it's runabouts to be used without proper protocol and by an uncommissioned civilian no less, regardless of the memories she's carrying," Davies insisted.

Ezri didn't take her eyes off Nerys, "I'll take full responsibility. Please Colonel, I'm begging you."

Kira looked at Davies and then back at Dax, "Alright Ezri. But get her and that runabout back quickly or I will have no choice but to send the Defiant after her."

* * *

Jadzia felt right at home sitting at the console of the runabout Mississippi. She wasn't surprised at how easily she'd been able to "borrow" it, but she was wondering why the Defiant hadn't come looking for her yet. Her little stunt with the computer sensors would only give her a few hours head start; she guessed that even Ezri should have been able to figure out where she was headed by now.

The runabout's computers began alerting her that they were entering the Qo'noS system, "Alright," she said aloud, "Let's see if I can pull this off."

Her fingers were flying over the control panel, getting access to the Federation Ambassador to the Klingon Empire would not be an easy task. She wasn't even sure if he was planetside, but after coming all this way she had to try. All the security protocols she knew were a year and a half old, but if anyone could figure out a way around that it was Jadzia.

"Federation staff database… I'm in. Now where are you, Worf?"

A few more beeps from the computer and she got an answer- she was able to find Ambassador Worf's personnel file. According to the file he was not currently on an away assignment, which hopefully meant he was on the Homeworld, as well as his last known residence, "He's living at the Chancellor's estate? Well I certainly _have_ missed a lot."

Jadzia embedded a fake security clearance into her flight plan as she changed the runabout's heading to the outskirts of the First City. Getting into orbit without being shot down was the first challenge, the next would be landing at what was undoubtedly one of the most heavily guarded homes in the Empire. And then of course there was the possibility that Martok and Sirella would be there, something she hadn't planned when she stepped into the runabout. This whole little endeavor could blow up in her face. Jadzia reminded herself that she'd come here simply to see Worf, just laying eyes on him and seeing that he was okay was enough. It may be best to not reveal her true identity.

She got through the planet's orbital defense screening without incident and was on her way. After flying for a few minutes Martok's massive compound came into view. A quick scan revealed that it had it's own launch bay, but that she'd need another set of security codes to land. Jadzia tried a few backdoor system hacks but nothing worked.

She sighed, "I guess I'm going to have to just knock," Jadzia hailed the residence and quickly received a response.

"State your business," Ordered the Klingon man that appeared on the viewscreen. He was young and Jadzia could tell he was doing his best to sound as intimidating as possible.

"I am here on official Federation business and I need to see the Ambassador immediately."

"The Ambassador has not made me aware that he was expecting any official visitors tonight. State your business," he said again.

So that meant he _was_ there, "My business is with the Ambassador. I have information that I cannot share with a security officer."

The man snarled, "Can I at least tell who you are?"

Jadzia froze. Then, all at once she realized that her name would most definitely get Worf's attention, "Tell him Jadzia is here to see him," So much for not revealing her identity.

The man's eyes widened, as if he recognized her name, "Excuse me?"

"You heard me," she answered, her eyes narrowed in defiance.

"Standby."

The monitor went dark. This was either going to go really well, or really badly.

T'Dok hadn't been working for the House of Martok for long, but it had been long enough to learn certain things about each of its members. The Chancellor was by far his favorite, being around him was like being with an old friend. Mistress Sirella was agreeable as long as you were cowering to her and following her every command. Their son Drex only came around when he wanted to impress his friends, and that often involved yelling at the staff.

Then there was Ambassador Worf- the outsider who had made this all possible. He was a quiet man, he did his job and he kept to himself mostly. Everyone respected him but no one really understood him. More than once, when he thought no one was looking, T'Dok had seen Worf quietly gazing at a picture of a Trill woman whom he later learned was named Jadzia.

The Captain of the house's security as well as much of the staff was away with Martok and Sirella, leaving T'Dok in charge. His plan had been to lay low and stay out of the way but that wasn't happening tonight, "Sir, forgive the interruption, but there is someone asking for permission to land and to speak with you."

Worf was seated by himself at a long table in the dining hall that could easily seat 50. The sound of T'Dok's voice echoed in the cavernous room.

The Ambassador looked up from the meal he's just sat down to, "Now?"

"Yes Sir. She's in a Federation runabout, registered to station DS9. She says she has information to share with you," he took a breath, "And I personally think you should take a moment to see her."

Worf raised an eyebrow, "You _personally_ think?"

"She says her name is… Jadzia, Sir."

Worf's small deep set eyes became wide and showed the shock he was feeling, "What did you say?"

"Jadzia."

Worf quickly rose to his feet and nearly sprinted to the launch bay, T'Dok keeping pace beside him as best he could, "Did she say anything else?" Worf demanded.

He shook his head, "No Sir. Should I allow her to land?"

Worf nodded curtly.

They reached the bay and T'Dok went to his control panel, "Runabout, you have permission to dock. Prepare for landing."

The roof to the launch bay they were standing in retracted, bringing the Federation craft into view. Slowly, the craft began to descend.

"Leave us," Worf ordered without ever taking his eyes off the Mississippi.

"Sir?"

"Leave!"

He didn't question him again, T'Dok had also learned that the quiet Ambassador had a temper.

Worf's heart began to pound in his chest as the young main slipped out the door. His hand instinctively reached for the d'k tagh at his hip and his fingers gripped the leather handle of the weapon. After a few moments, the roof began to close above him and the door to the runabout opened. Out stepped a woman he'd never seen before. She was obviously Trill but also obviously not Jadzia.

"Hello Worf," Jadzia's heart was pounding in her chest as well. She could see the anger in her beloved's face. She could also see the weapon in is hand and began to question whether surprising him was a good idea. She drew in a breath for courage and began walking toward him, "I know this must seem strange..."

Worf walked towards her as well and the two met in the middle. Then suddenly, with a quick motion of his wrist, Worf brought the blade of the d'k tahg right to her throat. He pressed it against the soft flesh, not enough to pierce it, but enough to make sure she knew he wasn't kidding, "Tell me why I should not kill you where you stand for having the audacity to speak my wife's name," he growled through clenched teeth.

Jadzia steeled herself, shoulders back and eyes unflinching. Instead of backing away from him, she fixed her gaze on his as she replied, "How many Trill do you know that could stare down a Klingon warrior with his blade on their throat?"

"I do not know very many Trill at all," he replied.

"You've got too much of your weight on your left foot. If I were in my old body, I'd knock you off balance and onto the floor in two moves, taking that d'k tagh from you in the process."

Worf pressed a little harder, "I would like to see you try."

"How about this," Jadzia said with a smirk as she slowly lifted her hand to his chest, "You've got a scar, right here," she gently tapped his collarbone, "At least you did the last time we were together. I know because I gave it to you. That one, plus a matching one a little farther down," she said.

He did have the scar, both of them. Worf didn't reply.

"I know this is hard to believe but I _am_ Jadzia. Put down the knife and I will explain."

Worf lowered the knife from her neck, "I am listening."

"Do you remember me telling you about a Trill ceremony, the zhian'tara, where I got the opportunity to meet my previous hosts?"

"I recall _Jadzia_ telling me about it."

"Ezri is having hers right now. A young woman from Trill volunteered to lend her body as a host of Jadzia's memories and personality so that Ezri could get the chance to really interact with her. With _me_. I know I don't look like you remember, but that's the only difference. In all the ways that matter, I am Jadzia."

Worf lowered his eyes and turned away from her, not wanting to face what he knew was true. He knew what she was talking about, he'd actually wondered when Ezri would get around to doing this. Worf was grateful she'd waited until he had left the station so he didn't have to be there when it was Jadzia's turn. And yet here she was.

"Why are you here?" he demanded.

"I had to see you."

"Does Ezri know?"

"I imagine she does. I was actually surprised that no one followed me or tried to stop me," Jadzia laughed, "She must have figured out where I was going and felt sorry for me."

Worf said nothing, his back was still turned to her.

"Worf, look at me, please."

"I… I cannot keep doing this."

"What?"

"My wife died. And I mourned her, deeply. Then Ezri came into my life and I had to deal with that. It was difficult but I did it. And now you are here, again."

"You know me, Worf," she said with a nervous smile, "Sometimes I leap before I look."

"It is selfish."

That response surprised her, "Selfish?"

"This, coming here like this. You are doing it for yourself but giving no thought to what it would do to me," he finally looked at her, "It is like having a wound ripped open over and over again."

This was not what she expected at all, "Please, can we go somewhere and talk..." she reached out to touch his arm but Worf recoiled from her.

The two of them stood there in silence for what seemed like an eternity. Jadzia had to think of something fast, she could not let this be her last memory of her husband, "It wasn't my plan to come here. I was going to go play tongo with Quark for old time's sake. But I couldn't. It's as if I could feel you, my heart was being drawn to yours. Remember our vows? The beating of two hearts? I honestly thought those were just words at the time, but now I know how real it is."

"That was _Jadzia's_ heart, a heart that is dead and buried on Trill. I don't know your heart," his words were still biting but Jadzia could hear his tone softening.

"No," her hand was trembling, but she reached out to his anyway and surprisingly he did not pull away. Jadzia brought his hand up to her chest and placed it there, "I know what your eyes see isn't the woman you loved. But what I feel for you is just as it was the day we parted in that airlock."

Worf's breathing quickened. He wanted to be angry. He wanted to yell and fight and toss her back into that runabout. But he also wanted to talk to her and to touch her and to tell her how much he'd missed her since she'd been gone.

Jadzia knew her husband. The fact that he wasn't pulling away or objecting meant that she had gotten through to him, "I came here because I needed to see you. I need to know that you were okay," a pause, then she whispered, "Are you okay?"

Had Worf been any other person, he would have been standing there in tears. As it was, he simply whispered, "I do not know."

Jadzia lowered his hand from her chest but didn't loosen her grip on it, "Let's get out of here."

Worf nodded obediently and led her into the corridors of the home.

"This is where you live?" she asked breathlessly, marveling at everything around her. It was reminiscent of ancient earth medieval castles; everything around them was dark, imposing towering and opulent.

"It was Mistress Sirella's choice. Martok hated it and objected at first saying he did not want to become a pompous noble just because he was Chancellor. But as is the case with most things, she persuaded him to see things her way."

"And she let you live here?"

"She insisted. We have developed a newfound respect for one another, especially since it's because of me that she gets to be the Chancellor's wife."

They rounded a few more corners before coming to a large set of double doors. Worf pushed them open, revealing a massive private suite the size of most Klingon's entire home.

'"Looks like warriors know how to live in style," she remarked.

"It serves me."

"I cannot imagine Sirella letting _me_ live here."

Worf walked over to his computer panel and activated the comm system, "Sirella grew to respect you as well. She was truly saddened when…" his voice trailed off and he changed the subject, "I am sending a message to Ezri letting her know that you are here."

Jadzia sat in a chair on the other side of the room, "I suppose that's the responsible thing to do."

"Tell me about this, this host body you are inhabiting," Worf asked, still looking down at his screen.

"She's an initiate who volunteered to do this as a way to get some experience being a host. Apparently, Ezri was concerned about having her friends be privy to this process," Jadzia shook her head "She's so insecure."

"So would this initiate approve of you taking her body all the way to Qo'noS to find me?"

"She signed up for the experience… this is part of it."

"How long will this... connection last?"

"As long as I want it to. Enough about me, I came to hear about you. How have you been? How did you get here?" And then, with a smirk, "Have you met anyone special?"

"I would think you would know all this seeing that Ezri and I worked together on the station for nearly a year," Worf replied, ignoring her flirtations.

"This process separates me from memories made with the last host, Ezri in this case. Before this experience, the last thing I remember is," he paused and lowered her eyes, "The last thing I remember is being in the Bajoran temple with Dukat."

Worf's eyes widened, "You do not recall being in the infirmary with me… at the end?"

She shook her head, "Perhaps the symbiont had been removed at that point."

For some reason that realization saddened Worf more than it probably should have. That tender moment, his last moment with his wife, was gone.

"What would you like to know?" he asked.

"What was it like when she came to the station?" she asked.

"You want the truth?"

"I stole a runabout so I could find out, Worf."

He sighed, "It was… I do not even have the words. Being your par'mach'kai changed my life completely. When you were gone, I did not know who I was anymore."

"Go on," she encouraged him.

Worf stood from the desk and sat in the chair across from her, "It had been two or three months since your death and I felt like I was finally coming out of the fog that I had been in. But then Ezri arrived and I did not know how to feel. I think everyone was expecting me to be drawn to her, but I was not. I wanted nothing to do with her. As bad as this sounds, I needed you to be dead so that I could move on. Seeing her every day was unbearable."

"She should _not_ have done that to you, she should never have stayed on the station. I don't care if she had no training, she should have known how hard it must have been for you. When I found out that she chose to stay on DS9 even with you there, I couldn't believe it."

"Ezri wanted to stay and I didn't think it was my place to stop her. It took time, but I got over it and eventually we formed a friendship.

"What kind of friendship?"

Worf realized that since Jadzia did not have Ezri's memories she was not aware of all the details of their unique relationship, He answered carefully, "As I got to know her for who she was, separate from my feelings for you, I came to respect and admire her.

For a brief moment Jadzia wondered if they gave in to the temptation of reassociation but quickly dismissed it. She wouldn't put it past a Dax at all, but Worf had more self control than anyone she knew. He never would have allowed things to go too far and would be insulted if she asked.

Worf looked at this woman, _really_ looked at her, for the first time since she walked in. She was definitely young, probably in her mid-twenties. Her body was petite and she had dark hair, longer than Jadzia's, that hung down her back. The piercing blue eyes were the same. Ezri had them too, Worf wondered if it was a trait inherent to the Trill.

"You know, I was just having dinner when you got here," Worf began, "Would you like join me?"

She flashed the bright smile that Worf had loved for so long, and for a second he could swear he was looking into his Jadzia's face, "I'd love to."

Worf and not-quite-Jadzia sat in the cavernous dining hall talking and eating for hours. The kitchen staff whispered amongst themselves that they'd never seen the Ambassador this happy. They kept the food coming just to continue hearing his laugh and seeing him smile. Worf told Jadzia everything, from Kor's heroic death to the details of defeating Gowron to playing baseball against a crew of Vulcans.

"I should have been there with you."

"If you had been, what would we have done when Martok offered me the Ambassadorship? It would have put us in a difficult position."

"No it wouldn't have," Jadzia replied, "I would have come with you in a heartbeat. This life you're living here, this is what you always wanted. You were made for this job. To experience this with you, I would have resigned my commission. I'm sure there's something I could have down at the consulate. I wouldn't have missed this for anything."

"There are times when I wish I had your counsel in these past months. Curzon's expertise would have been invaluable to me."

Jadzia frowned in confusion, "Oh, that's right, Curzon was the Ambassador to Qo'noS during his lifetime."

Now it was Worf's turn to look confused, "You forgot that?"

"While I'm in this state I am completely separate from Dax. Right now, I know of Curzon only because of Jadzia's interactions with him. I can't access any of his memories or experiences."

That snapped Worf back to reality. This woman was not Jadzia, she was a collection of the memories from Jadzia's lifetime. His Jadzia was much more than that, the woman he loved was all that plus all that Dax was as well.

Jadzia could see what was happening and tried to get things back to where they were, "Why don't we go back to that enormous suite of yours?"

"It is not that big," Worf said defensively.

"It's like the whole promenade could fit in there," she said with a laugh.

They went back, walking in silence once more. Jadzia had done what she came to do. She checked on Worf, she saw him and even got to have dinner with him. So what now?

When they entered his suite Worf posed the question, "Tell me, have you found what you were looking for when you stole that runabout?"

Jadzia let his question hang in the air before responding, "Almost," she let out of shaky breath, "What I really came here to do was… to let you know how sorry I am."

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Worf, when I met you, you were closed off and guarded. There was a wall around you like a fortress, and you dared anyone to even try to get close. You had every reason to be that way, life had dealt you one blow after another and you needed to protect yourself. Yet somehow, you opened up to me. I chipped away at that wall and you let me in. I told you it was okay to be vulnerable, to give your heart to someone. You bared yourself to me in a way I know you never had before. You trusted me and just when life was really beginning for us… I left you."

They were standing close to one another, closer than they had all night. Worf was silent. After a long while he finally answered quietly, "I did everything right and still it all went wrong."

Jadzia could see the pain that was still very much with him. She was aching to touch him, to bring him some level of comfort, "I would do anything to make this right. Absolutely anything."

Worf's breathing changed. Jadzia could see his chest rising and falling more rapidly. His fists clenched and the muscles of his jaw were tensing, "Your death is my fault," he growled through clenched teeth.

He sounded like he was making a confession, "What?" she whispered.

Exasperated, Worf walked away from her. He was visibly shaken, waves of anger and guilt emanating from him. Jadzia didn't understand, but it was obvious that the fault he spoke of was something he truly felt responsible for. Worf stood before one of the large windows and looked out onto the First City in the distance.

"I have never spoken of this. I have tried to bury it. To ignore it. But I cannot."

"I don't understand…"

"The guilt has weighed on me like a curse and I nearly lost my mind in the wake of your death. I tried to shake it by performing the grandest gesture I could in your honor. I blew up an entire sun, killing thousands of Jem'Hadar and Cardassians in your name. I sent you to Sto'vo'kor in a blaze of glory," he paused, "But perhaps not since you are still here."

"But why would you feel guilty?"

"Because I changed the crew assignments. I convinced Captain Sisko to take Kira on the Defiant mission and leave you on DS9."

It finally made sense, "You were trying to protect me," Jadzia said.

"I had a bad feeling, a feeling I could not shake. I was afraid to lose you and fear was not something I was accustomed to. After our mission to Soukara, after I left that Cardassian operative in the jungle to die, I knew I would never be able to live without you and that I would do anything to save you. When the Defiant was set to attack the Chin'toka System, I could not have you in harm's way. I convinced the captain that we needed to take Kira this time and to leave you behind as the commander of the station. When we parted ways in the airlock early that morning, I felt relieved that you would be safe and away from the battle."

Jadzia was shaking, "My god…"

"So you see, it _is_ my fault. Had you gone with us like you were supposed to, like you always did, you would still be alive. You would be here with me."

Instinctively, Jadzia rushed to her husband and cupped his face in her hands, "Don't do this to yourself, Worf. You thought you were doing the right thing. You could never have known-"

"But I should have known!" He ripped himself from her embrace, feeling he wasn't worthy of her touch. He had never been worthy of her and her death was proof of that.

Jadzia went right back to him and wrapped her arms firmly around him, "No dammit, I won't let you do this to yourself. I love you too much to see you like this."

Before she knew what she was doing, her lips had found his. Surprisingly, Worf didn't pull away. His arms encircled her waist and he pulled a body that felt both foreign and familiar closer to his. They found comfort in one another's embrace, the pain and anguish slowly disappearing with every touch.

"I want to see that scar," she whispered hungrily against his lips.

"You know where it is."


	4. Chapter 4

**Zhian'tara**

 **By: Ginomo**

Ezri completes the Zhian'tara, a ritual that allows joined Trill to meet and interact with their previous hosts.

* * *

 **Chapter 4**

Jadzia's hands- hands that were not quite her own- reached for the enclosure on Worf's shirt. She fumbled with it nervously, then pushed the material from his taut shoulders and touched his bare skin, her fingers exploring familiar territory as she felt the rise and fall of his chest.

"Wait," Worf's hands gripped hers at the wrists and pushed them away from him, "We cannot do this," he took a step away from her, "You are not my wife and I cannot make this mistake again."

Jadzia was confused, "Again? What does that mean?"

Worf silently admonished himself for the slip up, "It means that it is not right for me to confuse what I felt for my wife with what I am feeling for you right now."

"Confuse it… _again_. As if to say that you've been in this situation before…"

Worf let out a ragged breath and stepped away from her. He started to speak but Jadzia stopped him.

"Don't try to lie, Worf, you were never very good at it," she chuckled, "You slept with Ezri didn't you?"

"Jadzia, you must understand, it was a very complicated situation…"

"You think I don't know that? All this is one big complicated situation. Why were you trying to hide it from me?"

Worf shook his head, "I do not know. I imagined you would be angry. Perhaps I am just ashamed at my weakness."

"Weakness?" Jadzia took a few steps towards him and closed the distance that had formed between them, "I don't care what happened between you and Ezri. Honestly, I'm kind of glad you gave in to your feelings, it means I've got a chance," she said with a smirk.

"To what end? There is no future for me with you just as there was none with Ezri. Doing this simply prolongs the inevitable."

"Worf, I don't think you understand. We _can_ have a future," she reached out and placed her hand on his arm, "Let me stay here with you."

Worf's mouth fell open, "What?"

"I wasn't supposed to die; our life together was cut short. If you hadn't changed those orders, if I hadn't gone into that temple, we'd be here together right now. We can fix this," she paused, and then repeated, "Let me stay here with you."

Worf was dumbfounded, "How…?"

"I know that I don't look like the woman you loved, but it's me. I am your wife and I am here now. There is no reason for me to leave unless you want me to."

"What about," Worf looked her up and down, "This body you are in?"

"You let me worry about that."

Worf shook his head again and paced the room. This was all too much, "I do not know what to say," he replied honestly, "

"It's a lot, I know. And it's late. How about I go back to the runabout and let you get some sleep. We can talk about it tomorrow after we've both had some rest."

"I cannot let you sleep in a runabout when I have all this," he replied, gesturing to the suite around him, "Stay, you can take my bed and I will sleep out here."

"Okay," Jadzia nodded, she was hoping that's what he'd say. It meant he wanted her close, which meant he was considering her offer, "It's been a long day."

"Yes, yes it has."

"I'll see you in the morning then?"

"Yes."

"Good night," she said with a timid smile.

Worf lowered his eyes and tipped his head respectfully. Jadzia disappeared into his bedchamber leaving Worf standing there, feeling like he'd been hit by a Galaxy-class ship going warp 9. Just a few hours ago he was having a quiet, solitary dinner at the end of a hectic workday and now Jadzia was sleeping in his bed. This really was too much.

Knowing sleep would never come, Worf stumbled over to his computer workstation instead. There was a blinking indicator on the screen in front of him- he had a reply to the message he'd sent to Ezri Dax. Worf didn't even bother reading it, instead he opened a comm channel to Deep Space Nine. It took a few minutes to connect.

"Worf, I am so glad to hear from you," Ezri said, though she looked more nervous than happy, "I take it you got my message?"

"I was preoccupied with my visitor and did not get a chance to read it."

"Your visitor," she stated soberly.

"How did this happen?" he demanded.

"Jadzia knows this station as well as any officer here, probably better. She was able to reprogram the internal computer and, borrow, a runabout."

"And Colonel Kira did not object to this?"

"I asked Kira to let her go. I didn't know for certain where she was going but I had a feeling. Jadzia needs closure and I did not want to stand in the way. Because if she needs it," Ezri paused, "That means I need it too. And my hope was that she'd return to me having worked through some things with you… things that still haunt me."

"And what of me? I wonder if either of you considered what this might be like for me?"

"I thought you could use some closure too, Worf."

"This is not closure," he said, his voice sounding uncharacteristically helpless, "This is madness."

Ezri wasn't expecting this reaction from him, "Is she on her way back to the station, then?" she asked.

Worf sighed, "She is still here, sleeping."

The room where Worf was dark and shadowy but just then Ezri realized that he was shirtless. Her eyes widened, "Oh… I… I see…" she stammered sheepishly.

Worf looked down at himself and knew what conclusion she was coming to, "It is not what you think," Worf reached for his shirt that Jadzia had pushed to the floor.

"You don't have to explain. Believe me, I know how strong an attraction the two of you share."

Worf got right to it, "She wishes to stay here."

That definitely wasn't what Ezri was expecting, "She _what_?"

"She considers it her way of righting the wrong that was done to her, to us."

"She can't just stay there. What about Tellaria?"

"Tellaria?"

"Yes, Tellaria Rue. The young lady she's taken up residence in. You haven't seen her personality re-emerge at all?"

"No, not at all. I asked Jadzia about it and she told me to let her handle that."

"Obviously she can't stay, Worf," Ezri began, "Tomorrow morning, put her back on that runabout so we can be done with all this. I'm just sorry-"

" _Obviously_?" Worf interjected, "Why?"

Ezri was taken aback, "Why? Because this isn't what's meant to be. Those memories are a part of Dax, a part of me."

"Not meant to be? Jadzia dying in a Bajoran temple at the hands of Gul Dukat was not meant to be!" he exclaimed.

"Worf, I know this is hard for you but be reasonable. Think of Tellaria. Even if she wants this, which I _doubt_ , Jadzia can't just take over her life. Where is the honor in that?"

"No," Worf's voice was a mix of anger and frustration, "Do not mention honor to me. All my life I have been reasonable and done what is honorable. I always try so hard to do the right thing and look what it has gotten me."

Ezri wanted to point out that, aside from his wife, his life was going quite well right now. But judging by the look on his face that probably wouldn't be well received, "You doing the right thing, even when it was hard, is one of the things Jadzia loved about you."

"Well perhaps I am tired of it."

She realized that there would be no reasoning with Worf tonight, "You're right, what happened to Jadzia never should have. If you and Jadzia decide to stay together there on Qo'noS, I will not stand in your way. I can live without those memories, but I don't know if you can live without her. A piece of me is missing, but that pales in comparison to what you have lost. I will adjust."

They were both silent for a moment before Worf spoke again, "I will contact you again tomorrow," he replied quietly.

"Okay. Good night, Worf."

Moments later Worf found himself standing at the entrance to his own bedchamber, looking in at the woman sleeping in his bed. This was indeed madness. But, he meant what he said to Ezri. He had spent his entire life being good, doing the selfless things that benefitted others in the name of honor and personal sacrifice. Right now, he could do something simply because it was what _he_ wanted. He could go to this woman, this facsimile of his wife, and make her his- even if only for tonight. And he could do it for no reason other than because it felt good.

Jadzia held both the pillow and her breath. She'd heard Worf open the door and she kept her eyes closed, praying that at any moment she'd feel his body slide into the bed next to hers. That didn't happen, though, he was most likely wrestling with himself, trying to decide what to do. Throughout their whole relationship, Jadzia always had to be the "aggressor." They wouldn't have been together at all if it weren't for her. So she knew that he'd stand there in that doorway, second guessing himself all night if she didn't do something.

"You don't want to sleep on the couch, do you?"

Hearing her voice pierce the darkness startled Worf, "I… I thought you were asleep."

Jadzia turned over to face him, one arm lazy draped along her hip and the other one supporting her on the bed as her hair hung over her shoulders. In nothing but the faint light coming from the window she reminded Worf of his Jadzia, "I can't sleep any more than you can," she patted the space next to her, "Come sit down."

Worf was frozen, "I…"

"It's okay," she said reassuringly, "It really is."

He knew what she was doing, it's what she always did. Years ago, Worf needed Jadzia's coaxing in order to let himself love her. Now, it was exactly what he _didn't_ need, "No," Worf said, "It is not."

"Worf, it's me. You know me."

"I knew Jadzia, my wife. I loved her with every part of my being. And I said goodbye to her. I said goodbye to her that day in the infirmary, a day you don't even remember. I said goodbye to her again when they loaded her coffin and her symbiont onto a transport ship to Trill. I said my final goodbye to her on the bridge of the Rotarran at the Monac IV shipyards. I am done saying goodbye," he paused, "The problem is, you are not. I have had 18 months to learn to live without you, yet you woke up as if no time had passed. For you it is all still fresh."

"Are you saying you're over me?" Jadzia asked, a hint of desperation in her voice, "Because being in your arms earlier it certainly didn't feel that way."

He shook his head, "No. I doubt that I will ever truly get over you, and in all honestly I do not think I want to. But I am healing. You must allow me to do that."

The room was silent and dark, but the darkness seemed to make it easier to reveal their true selves. After a long while, Jadzia spoke, "I know that you're right. When I awoke on DS9, looking at the Guardian and at Ezri Dax, realizing what that meant, I…" she wiped a tear from her face, "This should never have happened to us, Worf. This should never have happened to _you_. You have suffered so much. You've had more heartache than any one man should have to live through. The idea that I added to your pain is unbearable, I would do anything to keep you from hurting. Even if that meant stealing a runabout and some poor girl's body."

"Please do not cry…"

Just like that, she knew what she had to do. Sometimes you had to love someone enough to let them go. Jadzia stood from the bed and wiped her face with her hands, "I should not have come. Computer, lights," Suddenly the room was illuminated, and Worf was oddly startled to see that the woman standing before him was indeed not Jadzia, "I am going to go now."

Worf knew it was for the best, but suddenly the idea of her going made him feel somewhat panicked, "Please wait until morning, it is a long journey back to the station."

"If I press the right buttons, the runabout does most of the flying."

"Then let me go back with you."

"No," she replied definitively, "Let me say goodbye to you here so we can both get on with our lives," she looked around and then added playfully, "Besides, you're doing pretty well for yourself without me. I'll just go back to being a Lieutenant on DS9, it's a familiar gig after all."

Worf smiled, "I miss that."

"Miss what?"

"The way you can find the humor in just about anything."

She smiled, "This situation is about as tragic as they come, if I don't find a way to laugh I just might go insane."

After another quiet moment, she brought her lips to his face and pressed them against his skin. She held the kiss longer than she intended to, taking in the feel of him, the scent of him, one last time.

"Qapla, Par'mach'kai," she whispered.

As much as he knew he probably shouldn't, Worf decided to do something impulsive, simply because it felt good. He held Jadzia tight and kissed her one last time, the way he did when their love was new. And then he let her go, not because it felt good, but because it was the right thing to do.

* * *

The airlock rolled aside and Jadzia readied herself for whatever was waiting. At the end of it were three figures, the Trill Guardian, Ezri Dax and Colonel Kira.

"You know, I am trying not to be offended that instead of coming to see me, you stole one of my runabouts," Kira said as Jadzia stepped down onto the deckplates.

"Colonel, I have returned it without a scratch. Once I am rejoined to Ezri, I am certain she will be ready and willing to face whatever punishment is due."

That made Kira laugh, "Yup, she's Jadzia alright," and then, more seriously, "I hope you found what you were looking for."

"I did. I also think I probably caused more harm than good, but that's no surprise."

"You have been inhabiting this body for far too long, I need to get you transferred back to Dax immediately. And henceforth I am issuing an order that Dax zhian'taras must take place on Trill under close supervision," The Guardian said, clearly perturbed by all his.

Jadzia noticed that Ezri hadn't said anything, "Not so fast. I still owe Ezri a proper zhian'tara."

Ezri's eyes widened, "Really?"

"Yes, really. So, if you'll both excuse us, we'll be in Lieutenant Dax's quarters. And I promise to behave."

* * *

"Enter."

Doctor Julian Bashir entered Ezri Dax's quarters cautiously. He had not seen her in five days, not since the three visiting Trill left the station at the conclusion of her zhian'tara. He wasn't sure who was avoiding whom but it was clear that something was going on. By now everyone knew that Jadzia had gone to see Worf and Julian wondered if having the memories of whatever happened between the two of them during that time had caused some old feelings to resurface within Ezri.

"Ezri?"

She was facing the window, just gazing out into the vastness of space, "I am sorry that I have been distant this past week."

"You don't have to apologize, I understand you must be going through a lot right now."

"I got to talk to Jadzia before she was rejoined to Dax."

"Oh?"

She nodded, still not looking at him, "She told me not to feel guilty. To stop trying to live up to the eight of them, that is not the point of being joined. She told me to be happy. If that meant staying here on DS9, so be it. Who cares if this was where she lived? To hell with what anyone else thinks. She told me happiness is fleeting and that you have to grab onto it wherever you can and don't let anyone tell you differently."

"That sounds like Jadzia. She lived for the moment."

"Yes she did," A pause, "But I am not Jadzia."

 _This is it_ , Julian thought, _This is where she tells me it's over_ , "She is a part of you, though," he reminded her.

"I don't think that I should stay here," Ezri finally said the words she'd been afraid to for the past five days.

Julian was confused. He stepped closer to her, but stopped short of actually touching her, "I don't understand, you just said that Jadzia told you it was okay to stay on the station as long as it made you happy."

"She did. But she also stole a runabout, and Tellaria's body, to go find Worf because it made her happy. Years ago, she was willing to commit re-association with Lenara Kahn because it made her happy. Jadzia lived for the moment, regardless of the consequences."

He frowned, "She was passionate, and perhaps a bit impulsive, but she was never irresponsible."

"Really?" Ezri finally looked at him, "Or is the fact that you were in love with her keeping you from seeing it?"

"Where is all this coming from?" he asked, his voice clearly portraying how shocked he was.

"When I was first joined to Dax, I came here to DS9 for two reasons. I needed Benjamin's guidance, his firm yet steady counsel to help me through all this. And I needed to be near Worf, because even though I didn't realize it, I was just as in love with him as I was the day Jadzia died."

"So that's it then. Jadzia's little runabout adventure reminded you just how much you still love Worf?"

"It reminded me that just because something makes me feel good, or makes me happy for a time, it doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. Even if that's how Jadzia approached life."

Now he knew what this was about, "You're leaving the station," Julian said definitively.

Ezri looked up into his eyes, "I'm sorry Julian. So very sorry to get you caught up in all this."

It felt like a punch to the gut, but he'd be a fool if he said he didn't see it coming, "You have nothing to apologize for. I was in love with Jadzia. Over time, that turned into a deep admiration and she became one of my best friends. When you came along, I," he sighed, "I saw it as a second chance. I tried to tell myself that wasn't the case but it was. And I'm sorry for that."

"I've got to step out of her shadow."

Julian nodded, "And you can't do that here."

Ezri reached up and stroked his face, "You deserve someone that will love you," she smirked, "Love you as much as Jadzia loved Worf."

That made him laugh, "Gee, thanks."

"You will always have a special place in my heart, Julian."

"Just what I always wanted, I get to be friends with Dax. Again."

She laughed with him, "You're just so damned good at it."

"When do you leave?" he asked.

"I don't know, I haven't applied for a transfer or anything like that yet. I'm not in a rush, really. Just knowing that I'm opening myself up to new possibilities makes me feel like a weight has been lifted. I'm willing to wait for the right opportunity."

The doctor playfully wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer to him, "So if you're not leaving right away, that means we still have plenty of time to be 'friends,' right?"

"Don't you think that's just going to complicate things?"

"Ezri, I don't see how this could possibly get any more complicated than it already is."

She laughed, "You're definitely right about that."

~finis

July 11, 2017

Twitter: ginomo94

 _ **Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think :)**_


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